What do you want for dinner? Red wine or white? What movie do you want to see? What color for your toes? The dark denim, or indigo?
Decisions. They F*cking suck. And these are the easy ones! What about the tough ones? What about the permanent ones? What about the life changing ones? How do we make them? How do you look at two or three choices, not know the outcome of any of them, and say “Yup, that one. I want that one”.
What drives us to drop the axe? When the going gets tough, and you feel like there's no way out, what pushes you to make the hard decisions?
Lately I’ve been stuck between a rock and a hard place, in more than one situation. Feeling controlled, or like my actions are going to have major repercussions that I don’t deserve, and have actually done everything in my power to earn the opposite is f*cking awful. Especially when anything and everything I do affects my children. I don’t get to make decisions for one anymore. I gave up that luxury 9 years ago when I was pregnant with my eldest. I make decisions for three. BUT, as I have learned in so many ways, we do not get what we deserve or even what we have earned, or worked for. Sometimes we just get what we get.
Lets take Chubbs….I was engaged, planning a wedding, venue and caterers chosen with deposits paid, dress purchased...and then what? I find out I’m pregnant, and 4 days later find out about my fiance's girlfriend….so what do you do? He told me to have an abortion, and it was a question in quite a few mouthes. I’m not going to lie...it was a thought. I clearly remember being on the Bolt Bus from Portland to BC, having taken 2 pregnancy tests just before leaving, and texting my friend who knew my ex and I were having trouble, and talking about things. And every now and then I would just look down at my eldest son and think about how much joy he had brought into my life, and the incredible person he was becoming. And I couldn’t give an abortion a second thought after that. Looking back, with everything that has happened in the last 3 years, would my life be easier if I had done it? Hell f*cking ya!! No doubt about it. But, that amazing little man brings me so much joy. And he is just oozing with personality, happiness and joy, and he is so smart. I can’t imagine life without him. But, that was literally (thank you Canada Law) 100% my decision to make. Thankfully, for me, this decision wasn’t too incredibly had for me. But so, so many are.
So how do we do it? List Pros and Cons? Talk with friends and family? Endless hours staring at the ceiling and contemplating the universe? I used to make decisions alone. And, as my past will oh so clearly demonstrate, not always the best ones. But now I use my sister. She is cut throat. I don’t hear what I WANT to hear from her. I hear what I NEED to hear from her. And we discuss the hard topics, and the ones that scare me, or I feel pushed into a corner about. And she is the one to guide me out of the corner. It may be scary, and the result is not always 100% what I think I want, but its the right choice for me and my family.
Help a girl out. Shoot me an email and let me know how you make hard decisions. I’m interested to hear how you deal with the hard stuff....cause sh*t, putting on Nike vs New Balance at 4:30 am is had enough...
I’ve been told, once or twice, that I overthink things. That I’m my own worst enemy, that I’m too hard on myself. And sitting here, thinking about writing my first blog ever? I’m definitely overthinking it. Well...that's a complete understatement. I have had this in the back of my mind for well over a month. I’ve been hoping some epic topic would come to me organically, like the inspiration for many of my videos. But, nope. Nothing. And holy pressure! If you don’t like my first blog then you won’t read another, or watch a video, or listen to a podcast. If this sucks, the buck stops here. Right? Who wouldn’t freak out a bit??
But, I have this tiny handful of bad ass cheerleaders in my life that push me, and remind me of who I am, where I’ve been and what I’ve overcome. And most importantly? If you don’t like me? F*ck you. If you decide you hate me from one little blog, and I don’t even know you? Why in the hell am I stressed? I don’t f*cking know you.
How does someone who doesn’t even exist in my reality affect it? But isn’t that how people work? Especially women, right? We stress over the most impossible situations. People we’ve never met, places we’ve never been, situations we could never be in. How many times have you made up some ludicrous situation in your bed at night and laid awake stressing over it? Awful right?
But what could possibly be worse than that??? Getting in your own f*ucking way! That's what. What's worse?:
A) Me sitting here terrified of failure and not typing a damn word, sabotaging my own career, my own dreams, my plans for my family, my children, everything….for you...strangers or B) Me sitting here terrified of failure, doubting myself, doubting every word, but pushing through and putting myself out there, despite the repercussions?
A...Its 'A' bitches!!! I’m scared. I’m scared sh*tless of all of this. I have no clue how to navigate this. I’m not a blogger….I’m me….I’m a mom, and a trainer, a sister and a friend. I’m not a public figure. I’ve always kept myself pretty private. So this? Telling all of you my life? The dark parts I work on forgetting? The rough parts that helped build my character? It’s so hard. But if I can open up, and drop my guard and let you in a little, maybe I can inspire someone else to own their past and truly build their future.
And hey, I say some pretty funny sh*t sometimes. So you’re bound to get a couple laughs out of the deal. And not everything I write about will be all “whomp-whomp-whomp”,lol. I have some fun crazy sh*it that happens to me, and I’m super stoked to share it all.
Welcome to my world ya’ll! Buckle up!
And so it begins
I have a whole other blog all ready to post for you guys. But with everything that is happening with Mother Nature right now, I can’t leave it unmentioned. I'm so sad.
I am not going to make this a climate change rant, or a dis on the assholes in the government that choose to ignore the facts and evidence. I just have to acknowledge these things because my heart hurts. I am going to speak mostly about the Eagle Creek fires that are engulfing the Columbia River Gorge. Why? Because they are 15 minutes from my home, at the last update put it at 33,000+ acres of gorgeous forests, waterfalls, hiking trails, wildlife and breathtaking views….and it’s all up in flames. 15 minutes from my house!!!
I know that a massive chunk of Texas is under water right now. And 2 more hurricanes are already destroying small islands, and are quickly approaching the mainland. And roaring fires in many other states, as well as another in eastern Oregon. And it breaks my heart. And the fact that our useless, ignorant asshole of a president is cutting funding, and staying away from the victims, and using his visits as a f*cking publicity stunt is disgusting. But, these are two very different situations. And I’ll receive some backlash over this, I’m sure, but that's what I do.
Houston is under water. And it is devastating. And with Irma around the corner, and Jose close behind her I don’t know how the country will get through this (have I mentioned our Asshat of a president? It's certainly not going to be through strong leadership!). But, as many people close to Houston are blogging, doing podcasts and blowing up social media with coverage and updates. And celebrities are raising and donating much needed money and supplies because it is close to them. These fires are close to me. I have so many memories of the Gorge.
When I think of the fires in the Gorge? I think of miles of perfect, picturesque wildland that will take a century to recover from. Let's look at a few facts; the Gorge houses 24 endangered species, 13 flowers that are ONLY found in the Gorge, deer, elk, bighorn sheep, 200 species of birds and so much more. So many are now dead, from the flames or smoke inhalation, or displaced. I’ll give you a second to let that sink in.
These fires are so powerful that they jumped from the Oregon State side of the gorge to the Washington State side in just hours overnight on Monday. On average that gap between the 2 sides is 3 miles, with 1 mile of that consisting of the Columbia River.
Last night I was watching everything online with my son and my sister. Its terrifying and sad. We all cried. For an 8 year old this is hard to comprehend. My son is a rare gem. He loves and appreciates nature. He stops to smell the flowers, and pick one for me. He will point out a beautiful sunset, or ask to take pictures when we are in a beautiful spot in nature. About 6 weeks ago we hiked Punch Bowl Falls, in the Columbia River Gorge, one of my favorite hikes. I used it as my example to try put what was happening in perspective for him. That will NEVER be the same again in his lifetime. It’s gone. All of it. The drive he takes with his Nana to see the wind surfers? Gone. He immediately teared up. These fires will forever change our local landscape.
The past 10 days have been so scary in the US and surrounding islands. Don’t forget the level 5 earthquake on Guam, or Puerto Rico currently under siege by Irma. In times like these we need to set aside differences and help one another. EVERYONE. Despite country of origin, immigration status, social status, religion or skin color. We need to keep these cities alive. It's scary to think that we have leadership that does not support this, but a leader does not make a country. Please be thoughtful, and kind.
PS. Don’t forget about the animals! If you work at, or live near a shelter or kennel that is in danger, open the damn cages! Even if you can’t rescue them, at least give the animals a fighting chance. And if you’re evacuating, please take your pets with you. And if you’re in a safe area and have space and resources, please take pets in. They are terrified too!
Crush It With Carolyn
If you have a soul, let alone a f*cking vagina, how do you support Donald Trump? How do you honestly say, he is making "America Great Again"?
Let's see…..I’ll start with an umbrella statement, that affects many of the following, but is really the core of his entire presidential existence: Anything. And I mean Anything Obama did he wants to reverse/repeal. It doesn't matter what, why or who it affects. If Obama created it, signed off on it, breathed on it, looked at it, Trump wants it gone. I'm surprised he hasn't demo’d the White House yet….Now, on to the major things ...keep in mind, these are a FEW of the things Trump endorses. He wants to eliminate immigrants (Even though Trump Tower was constructed by immigrants for $4-$5 per hour, and 4 of his 5 children have immigrant mothers, his wife being ne of them) . He has zero understanding or respect for the LGBT community and is trying to strip them of al rights and protections. He wants to ban entry from all Muslim countries that he DOES NOT DO BUSINESS WITH, despite their lack of threat of any kind on the US. He supports defunding education and completely ruining our children's futures. He believes in taxing the middle and lower class, while creating loopholes and cuts for major businesses and the infamous 1%. He believes climate change is a hoax….with 5 hurricanes in a row this summer so far, the ice caps melting, cool oceans slowly warming up, animals dying...it's a fucking hoax? Is liberals are controlling it??? Lets see, what else has this idiot done? Oh yes, the hurricane was Puerto Rico’s fault, athletes are protesting the flag, not the hundreds of unarmed, innocent POC killed by police (who face no repercussions) every year and the lack of equality, unity and just that the anthem supposedly stands for (#imwithkap).
Guns…..oh, touchy subject? Well F*CK YOU….Trump and his posse of ignorant assholes made it EASIER for people with Mental Disabilities/Mental Health Concerns to legally purchase weapons. He even wants to make it easier to purchase silencers to go on them! After the unbelievably tragic terrorist attack (ya, I said terrorist) in Las VEGAS the Trump administration has failed to address gun control OR label it as a terrorist attack….every year the “largest mass shooting in recent US history” has occurred. Every year it gets bigger. And still, gun control is a non issue. Now, a quick side note, I own a gun. I love a shooting guns. I support people having SMALL weapons for self defense, as the second amendment implies. Yes, we have the right to bare arms, but we should not have the right to purchase fully automatic weapons at our leisure. Trump fires, forces out and publicly humiliates anyone with a large audience that speaks poorly of him or wishes to investigate him. He is anti free speech. The First F*ucking Amendment! (Bring Jamele Hill back!)
Now, those are just a few things Trump stands for that affect everyone. Now we can talk about what he says, does, thinks and wants to enforce that affect just women.
Trump disrespects (“you have to treat them like sh*t”) and sexualizes women, from his own daughter “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”) to his electoral rival Hillary Clinton (“Hillary Clinton can’t even satisfy her own husband what makes her think she can satisfy America”), to the first lady of f*cking France ("in such good shape... beautiful"). He believes men have every right to control women's bodies, especially their reproductive organs. He has even gone as far to say the women who have abortions should endure “some form of punishment”. He considers breastfeeding to be “disgusting”. He blames the massive amount of sexual assaults in the military on cohabitation (“26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military-only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?).
So, to sum it up, according to Trump: Rape is our fault. We do not have the right to choose, but birth control is also not allowed, neither is maternity leave or health care for our children if we are low income. And, we are all, even girls as young as 10, just sex objects and will be praised or publicly denounced accordingly. And on a completely unrelated, but very serious note….he eats pizza with a knife and fork….wtf??? Ya’ll know I take my food seriously.
So, please. After all that he stands for, and all he has said and done. How do people support him? How do women stand up and cheer for him? How is it possible? The man is pure evil. I seriously can’t wrap my head around what is happening in the world. Are people so brainwashed that they can not see past the bullshit into the real agenda? We are really regressing to no women's rights and the Jim Crow era. It is terrifying, and so very upsetting. But we are letting it happen. And most people won't realize it until it's too late and it affects their lives directly.